I am broken today. Shattered. Disillusioned. Exhausted emotionally. Dragged down by the weight of my own resistance. Father God, my death grip on my pain strains my body and siphons oxygen from my brain. Steps to loosen my grip, to cling to you, to move from the spiritual desert to claiming the kingdom promise you have for me, elude my prideful self.
In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (Ephesians 3:14-19), Paul writes that he falls to his knees when he thinks of all this. What is all this that Paul is referring? Looking back at the preceding scripture (Ephesians 3:1-13), I see Paul:
- Becoming a servant of the gospel.
- Receiving the gift of God’s grace.
- Recognizing the working of God’s power in him.
- Embracing God’s call on his life to make the wisdom of God known.
- Suffering for the Ephesians (and for me, too).
- Humbling himself as he kneels before the Father.
- Praising God, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.
- Praying that we may be strengthened with the power through his Spirit in our inner beings.
If I had been focusing on these thoughts, drawing from God’s grace and power, I wouldn’t have completely disqualified myself from becoming a servant of the Gospel today.
If I am to be filled with the Spirit’s power to my inmost being, I must release my inner torment and truly lay it at the feet of Jesus. I must choose to be complete with the fullness of life that only comes from the Creator of life itself, Jesus. There’s no room in my heart for the fullness God has for me when I’ve filled myself with selfish desires and refused the comfort and refuge only found in God’s healing hands.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him, all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:1-5
Would you pray with me? Father, thank You for Your Word! Thank You for making me. For calling me to You. For the Holy Spirit speaking through my towering brick walls of stubbornness and pride. You are calling me to be stretched beyond my current capabilities – to let go of my self-importance and to choose holiness. To choose You. Desperately, filled with hope I don’t deserve to cling to, You remind me that You are the Light shining in the darkness. Amen.